Haribo Gummy Bears
You know, the REAL gummy bears from Germany in the gold bag. Not the sweaty, mushy, waxy shit they sell at convenience stores.
Sarcastic People
For obvious reasons. If I haven't gotten sick of sarcasm in 25 years, I don't think it's going to happen. Plus, sarcastic people think I'm funny and that's all that matters to me.
Watching Movies I've Seen a Million Times on TV
I really don't know what is up with this, but I own tons of movies and rarely watch most of them. But, if I am flipping through the channels and catch a movie that I own, say, Dumb and Dumber (as was the case last weekend), I will sit down and watch it. I won't just break out my copy of the damn movie with all the dirty parts firmly intact and no commercials. Nope, I'd rather watch the edited version on TV. I guess it feels like less of a commitment or something. I don't know...
Buying Tons of Grooming Products I Don't Need
I can't not buy every new lotion, hair product and lip gloss I see. I must have it all! Not only am I a drugstore whore, as Sisterson calls me, but I'm also Sephora's bitch and, as I found out a few days ago, The Body Shop's prag. Luckily I have a bathroom that's approximately 2 square feet, so I have nowhere to store it all. It's a disease.
Celebrity Gossip
I like to pretend I'm above it all, but I must know what is going on in Hollywood. Or else I'll die, apparently.
Jake Gyllenhaal
I recently sat through Proof in which Gwyneth Paltrow blew ropey goat chunks, but I enjoyed it because of Jake. He's not empirically the hottest guy ever, but he is still gorgeous. He is built like a brick shithouse, can grow 5 o'clock shadow like nobody's business and seriously has the dreamiest. eyes. ever. Plus, his man love with Lance and Matt is so cute. And he loves his sister. Adorable.
Giving Every Person I See a Once-Over
I have to know what everyone is wearing. I have to see their shoes. I have to check out how their butt looks in those jeans and whether that sweater is flattering. How else will I know what I absolutely have to have next time I have money to spend on clothes (which will probably be never the way things are going)?
Cheap Drinks
How many times have I drank WAY too much just because I found a rad happy hour or a cheap bar? I don't remember, but $2 for a pitcher of beer? Hey, I've got 2 more dollars! (BTW if you know of a good spot for cheap drinks, holla at your girl. Please?)
Real World Marathons
Luckily I no longer have cable, so it's kind of a moot point unless I stop being too cheap to pay for it, but I cannot look away from a Real World marathon. Gimme some Diet Coke and a blanket and I won't leave my couch for a whole day. For real.
Morgan Freeman's Voice
I could literally listen to a reading of the phone book so long as it was recorded in the smooth, dulcet tones of Morgan Freeman's melodic voice. Love it.
Babies
I love babies. They're so cute and innocent and for whatever reason, they tend to like me, too.
Animals
I love animals. Which is why I can probably never visit another animal shelter because last time that happened, I was racked with guilt for weeks because I could only take two of the cats home with me. In the last week I almost adopted a stray cat that was wandering the halls of my building and kidnapped a freaking adorable bulldog from a coffee shop. I have a problem.
Baby Animals
'Nuff said.
Things I can totally resist:
Beyonce
Her music is atrocious and her acting is laughable. Sure, she's gorgeous, but that's not much of a "talent." That Irreplaceable song makes me want to jump out of a window. Actually, I think all of her shitty songs provoke the same reaction except for Naughty Girl, but they hardly ever play that one on the radio anyway.
Cover Charges
Wait, you want me to give you money just to enter your lame ass bar or club when I could be spending my hard earned money on drinks to distract myself from said lameness? Bite me. You should be paying me for denigrating myself enough to actually be seen in your crappy bar. What is up with Seattle? Their clubs are laughably horrible and the bouncers never let girls in free. In Vegas I paid not one single cover charge because they understand that cute girls bring in the boys. Oh, and Vegas clubs are effing rad. WTF?
Yellow Teeth
Nobody likes 'em.
The Sonics
Get the eff out of my city because you guys suck my left one and you must be on crack if you think I'll give you one red cent for a new arena.
This Ad:
"Boyfriend season is right around the corner"? Yeah, me getting reaquainted with my breakfast is what's right around the corner, bitches. Like boyfriends are a particular kind of game like elk or something. I don't know about you, but I don't have a boyfriend 'cause they're just not in season right now. I'd better invest in some new fuck me boots and push up bras and cram on my Cosmo Guide To Trapping A Man articles because I didn't realize hunting season was just about to begin! Besides, don't you think, oh, say the holidays and Valentine's Day (or VD, as I like to call it) would be boyfriend season? That is the most insulting ad I've seen in a while. Nice try, "True," but no fucking advertisement could make me feel badly enough about myself to search for potential man meat online. Oh, and I'm sorry, but that guy's not even that hot. Like, nice gold chain and weird pecs, cheesedick. Give me a break.
Leggings
Listen, having grown up in the eighties, I have worn a lot of leggings in my day. I already know they look good on exactly two people. I also know that I am not one of them. Some people need to learn this through experience. God bless. Just don't expect me to ever sport them again.
Meat With Bones
Um, I know it sounds dirty but I'm actually talking about food here. You will never catch me gnawing on a drumstick or tearing the flesh off a rib bone with my teeth. Granted, I'm not a vegetarian, but I pretty much stick to eating fish and chicken (boneless and skinless only), but I don't really like thinking about ripping a limb from an animal and going to town. It just seems so savage and disgusting to actually wrest the sinew from its bones. Sick.
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