It's Not You, It's Me

At some point, you have to realize that maybe it's not that there's something wrong with everyone else you encounter. Maybe it is you. That's where I'm at. Maybe it's me. There has to be a reason every single guy I date either stalks me and totally creeps me out or treats me like a piece of shit. There is no in between. Maybe it is me.

My options have always been: be completely alone or settle for some guy that treats me like shit. The stalkers are never an option because my independent streak takes over and I will literally gnaw off my own arm to get free if necessary. For a long time, I was with one guy in particular that made me feel like I was unworthy of anyone. After him, I decided to be alone for a really long time. We're talking years here. But it's difficult when every single other sentient being in the universe is coupled up and you're not invited to shit if you don't have a date. So, here I am: settling for less.

It's embarrassing to tell my friends about the way that I have been treated and the way I still allow men to treat me. The way they degrade my sense of self worth and make sure I know that I'm not good enough for them to spend time with unless they have nothing else to do. That they like me enough to not want to see me with anyone else and will beg me to stay if I try to break things off, but not enough to actually become a real part of my life. That they have no compunction about canceling on me, disappointing me, and hurting my feelings. It's humiliating to tell people about how the only dudes who seem to want to date you are the ones that are sure to let you know that you're not even worth a moment's consideration. The rejection I have learned to take, but the humilation is freaking unbearable.

I either don't put up with their shit and am alone or I just struggle to accept the fact that what I want doesn't matter to anyone else and I'm crazy to think things will ever be different. I'm pretty fucking tired of being asked why I don't have a boyfriend. What is the correct answer to that question? Um, obviously I have some wicked personality flaw that keeps any guy without a severe hatred of women/mental disturbance at least 200 yards away from me at all times. It's like my own restraining order against normal relationships! After a while it wears you down and you learn to take what you can get. The disappointment hurts so much that I don't dare to hope for anything better. But I'm not quite ready to give up hope altogether. I feel so lost and completely alone right now. I can deal with that, but the prospect of feeling like this for the rest of my life is eating me alive.

Wow, this is really fucking depressing and self indulgent. I think I'd better go to bed now. Hopefully I'll be in a better mood tomorrow...