Okay, here' s the situation. (Sidebar: I cannot say "okay, here's the situtation," without jumping into the rest of "Parents Just Don't Understand," by the one and only Fresh Prince. If you can, I envy you because that song is always in my effin head). I continue to be appalled and saddened at the utter crap that the kids these days are calling music. Yeah, yeah, apparently I'm eleventy, but holy shit, people. We are in crisis! I wrote better lyrics to my song "I Love the Monkey Bars" when I was six than the majority of the new garbage I hear on the radio.
Por ejemplo, let's just start with my current favorite phrase in a song. "I'm heavy, like a first day period." Yeah, that's right. Think about it. Heavy. Like your flow on one of those super absorbency tampon days. What a poetic, illuminating simile. I didn't quite know what the insipid songstress meant by "heavy," but now it's clear. So that's what God made maxipads with wings for: soaking up talentless whores. Now I understand! Carry on, Kotex!
Someone actually managed to write that sentence down with a straight face, nod their head at their own genius and say, "That's it. Let's put it on wax." At least that's what they said in my imagination because that's what all songwriters say in my fantasies. The truly sad part is, someone decided to produce that record and it's now apparently enough of a hit to make it to my local radio station. These are dark days.
I mean how arid does the well of ideas have to get for you to go with a line like that? Why not, "I'm heavy, like the brick you shit the day after a serious bender"? How about, "I'm heavy, like a bloated corpse that's been floating around in the East River for the last month"? Those options are just as viable according to whatever brilliant mind created such subtle, richly-hued imagery as a fucking musical reference to period blood.
End of rant.
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